Her Last Breath..

Mom took her last breath at 3:26pm on Wednesday, November 16, 2011.

A few weeks back when Mom was first placed in hospice care, I wrote her a letter. I was fortunate enough to get a few moments one evening away from my kids - and everyone else - so I could read it to her. Here is what it said:

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October 22, 2011

Dear Mom,

We may not know when we are going to go, but we all know that we will someday. Whether that day is tomorrow, in two weeks, or ten years from now there are some things I’d like you to know…

Now that I am a mom, I can truly appreciate everything you have done for me the last 28 – almost 29! - years. Whenever Ben is driving me crazy I just think of how you sometimes had to lock us in our rooms and walk away. When Gigi never seems to stop crying, I think of how you were patient with my 12 hours of crying. And when the both of them are at it at the same time, I think to myself, “How did she do it with four – my TWO are driving me crazy!” But you survived - and so will I!

You have also inspired me to be a better wife. I landed a pretty awesome guy, but there are times I’d like to strangle him! I just think of everything you and Dad have been through over the years and how you always stood by him and 32 years later, you are still together! A rarity in our culture…

I also want to tell you how happy I am to see the joy that Ben and Gianna have brought you. Who would have thought that you would be a grandma twice in two years??

I remember last year when we first found out about the cancer we were sitting in the living room just talking and you were cool as a cucumber. I said it’s hard to imagine life without you and you said, “I know, Moms are the best.” It’s so true! I also remember you telling me that after your mom was gone, you would still pick up the phone to call her, and then remember she wouldn’t be there to answer. I know I’ll do the same thing.

Anyway, I know you know this but I love you and I’m proud that you are my mom. Some people say their loved one “lost” their battle to cancer… I won’t say that because anyone who fights as hard as you did could never be a “loser.” I will just say that you were running a tough race and it was time to rest…

I am going to miss you – in some ways I already do. I just have to remember that this life is only temporary, and I will see you again in Heaven.

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After I finished reading she said, "I am proud that you are my daughter." I will always remember and cherish that moment!

Here is a small tribute I made (with the help of my friend Shaun) to honor the life my Mom fought to keep:

http://youtu.be/r5eJsQiKrVw

Much love,

Sarah

When Will God Take Her?

Mom is now receiving hospice (end-of-life) care. They brought in everything she needs to be comfortable - including a hospital bed. The doctor said that when it was time, she would just "fall asleep" and not feel any pain. The oncologist wouldn't give a definite timeline but they estimated somewhere between 2-6 weeks. But, that is just a guess - it could be longer!

We had a family meeting and we got to ask Mom questions, and she got to share some thoughts with us. She isn't afraid, and she feels ready. She wanted to make sure we understood why she is done with treatment.

It's hard believing that the end is near. There is no way to tell when God will take her. Even though she can't see well, I'm glad she is in good spirits and still has her wits about her.

I wrote Mom a letter and got to share it with her. I'm glad that I had that time to read it to her. I'm thinking about posting it on the blog... maybe another day.

Thank you, as always, for praying.

Much love,

Sarah & family

"It’s not the size of a gift that matters.

It’s the amount of hope wrapped around the gift that makes all the difference."

Meal Train

Just a quick mention about the meal train...

Many of you are planning on bringing meals that have not signed up on Meal Train. Please take a moment and sign up - it's free and it gives my dad (and each other) an idea of when meals are already provided and when my family would be in a need.

Thank you so much for those that have already signed up, and those that are going to! It's amazing what a huge impact this small favor has on a family in need.

Meal Train & an Update

Please reach out to my family and provide them a meal :) Sign up here:

http://www.mealtrain.com?id=mwgdb4bwb32t

The latest update on my Mom:

My Dad needs to call the oncologist today (Monday) to schedule an appointment for this week as a follow-up from being released from the hospital. This appointment will be to discuss options moving further - whether that means hospice or some other form of treatment. I will definitely keep you posted as to what is decided.

She is still having trouble moving without help (sitting up, standing up, using the bathroom, etc). She is using a walker and seems to be steady with it as long as she takes it slow. Getting up and going to the bathroom is very tiring for her. She seems to be getting stronger each day, though. Her vision is still impaired, but she seems to know who is who so it isn't completely gone. She has also been eating like a champ!

Thank you again for all your prayer support. An update will come as soon as I hear from my dad!

The "H" Word

Dear Friends,

Mom went back into the hospital last week with pneumonia and high sugar levels. Since then, her vision is getting worse (most likely from the brain tumor) and they found "nodules" on both lungs that they suspect is the cancer returning to that area. They went to do a biopsy, but as they were getting Mom in position she was so uncomfortable and in pain that she said she would rather die than have them finish the procedure. Since she refused the biopsy, they are sending her home tonight.

I think she is just ready to be home and is sick of being in the hospital. I don't know if she was thinking rationally or not, but maybe some time at home will change her mind (as far as getting the biopsy done). If it doesn't, that's okay, too. As long as she knows that refusing diagnostic procedures means no treatments - and we all know what that leads to.

With an aggressive brain tumor (possibly two) and multiple "nodules" on her lungs that the infectious disease specialist and pulmonologist suspect are tumors, the oncologist said it was time to discuss hospice care. They also recommended a few days of rest at home, and scheduling a follow up with the oncologist to discuss options. So, for now, that is what we will do. Mom already said that she will NOT go through chemo or radiation again, so I feel hospice care is imminent at this point.

I will try my best to keep everyone in the loop. It's hard to find time to update with all of this going on, plus two kiddies that don't seem to want to cooperate with giving me some quiet free time!

Thoughts and prayers are always welcome.

A Guessing Game...

Hello friends,

The latest news on Mom is that they have scaled back on her medications to see if she would get worse or better. If better, chances are the brain swelling was caused by a reaction to radiation. If she gets worse, chances are the tumor is growing. Sounds like a guessing game to me...

Well, based on the last conversation I had with Dad, things are getting worse. I don't want to divulge many details without getting permission from them first, but just know it seems things are going downhill... fast.

It's Been a While...

Hello Friends,

It has been months since my last post - sorry! I had a crazy summer (a move, a severe car accident, a new baby, etc) but here is the latest on my Mom...

We are at it again. Mom started acting a little "loopy" again so my Dad brought her to the hospital. Sure enough, they detected brain swelling, suspected to be caused by the same tumor they operated on back in March (in the right frontal lobe).

I believe she is going in to see the neurologist tomorrow (Tuesday, Sept 27th) so hopefully we can get some answers - at least discuss options for treatment if there are any. My family - with our 22 month old & 1.5 week old in tow - went to see her last weekend, since my Dad made this possible return of the tumor sound pretty grim. It was nice that she got to see her grandkids again, and of course I always love spending time with her, too. It's been an adjustment for me - we used to live 35 minutes away and I'd go there at least once a week. Now, being 5 hours away the visits have become few and far between.

Now we wait again.... wait to see if the steroids and other medications she is on is to help prepare her for another surgery, round of radiation, or to just add to her quantity of life.

I'll keep everyone in the loop. Thanks, as always, for your prayers and support.

Radiation Complete...for now...What's Next?

Mom completed 3 weeks of whole brain radiation last month. She had most of her hair on Easter, but by Mother's Day it was all gone except for a few hairs. Yesterday, May 16th, she shaved her head clean! She wears a blue knit hat most of the time, and has two head scarves. She bought a wig, but is waiting for a hair stylist to make some changes to it. Her head is still sore from the treatments and what not, so she isn't in a hurry to wear it.

She spent a few nights in the hospital last week and got home on Sunday (May 15th). Her oxygen was low, so they put her back on the oxygen machine at home. She has an appointment on May 23rd to determine where to go from here. Originally, the next step was to do a gamma knife (or cyber knife) procedure on the tumor on the back of her brain. Test results will reveal whether or not they will stick to that plan (which is what they hope to determine on the 23rd).

How can you help? Obviously, prayer is always welcome. If you'd like to drop off a meal for a family of 4-5 (my brothers and sister are home now) they would greatly appreciate that. Finally, Thad and I are hosting a moving sale this weekend and 10% of the money we raise will go toward my Mom (either for meals, head scarfs/hats, medical bills, etc). If you can, stop by and see us at: 1354 Carriage Lane Lake Villa, IL on Sat May 21st from 9-3pm.

It's Time for the Percolator...

Mom just underwent her first week of whole-brain radiation. On Wednesday, they found she had pneumonia. They are going to continue the treatments, but this obviously adds to her already feeling weak and tired. She's on a lot of medication for a lot of different things, but my dad is taking great care of her! The title of this entry refers to my dad and brother saying she sounds like a coffee pot when she breathes - and I have to say it's true! She has a good sense of humor about it - anything to keep things light considering the circumstance.

I'm not really sure if she's been completely honest with me. When she told me she had pneumonia, she kept saying, "but don't worry, don't worry... this is nothing, it doesn't seem as bad as last time..." etc. I wasn't worried until she emphasized that she didn't want me worrying!

I'm not really sure which I would want... for her to be completely honest, or for me to live in ignorance. Which is true bliss? I suppose the only one who knows the "truth" is God - no matter when we or the doctors speculate she'll leave us. I just don't want her ripped out of my life I guess. On the other hand, a slow release can't be any less painful...

Here We Go Again...

Well, it's been a while since my last post. As far as we knew, Mom was "clean" of cancer. Her latest MRI told a different story...

To sum it up, they found two brain tumors on Monday March 21st - one in the front and one in the back. They were able to remove the front tumor with brain surgery on Wednesday March 23rd. The doctors believed that one more week may have killed her.

The second tumor makes things a little more complicated. Mom started whole-brain radiation on Monday April 11th. She will get this 5 days a week for 14 days. Hopefully this will shrink the existing tumor and stifle any other tumors from growing.

Mom is anxious about this radiation treatment. She saw her mother go through it and watched her deteriorate before her eyes - forgetting things, needing to learn how to walk again, write again, etc. Mom basically said that when it comes down to it, she will choose quality over quantity. So, if the treatments start taking a significant toll on her physically and mentally, she will stop.

Right now, she is in good spirits. She is two days into her treatment and, as far as I can tell, sounds like herself! The steroids she is taking to reduce the brain swelling have ironically caused the rest of her body and face to swell. Other than that, she seems pretty "normal." Doc says she will lose her hair, but he said that last time, too, and she didn't! Only time will tell...

So that's the update. I wish it were more positive, but there is always light at the end of the tunnel. Nobody can know what the future holds, all we can do is hope for the best. We've seen her beat this before...